The first thing I thought about was my movie-mad friend when I read recently that the mainland had asked television channels not to telecast the Oscar Awards ceremony.

Her life around that time is planned around the Oscar show. The time before the awards is spent watching nominated films. A month after would begin speculation on selections for the next season.

Her friends join the activity and all discussions revolve around the Oscars. That is, when they are not discussing TV sitcoms.

Then I ran into her while waiting for the Star Ferry the other day and soon we got talking about her plans for this Oscar season.

“Now that the mainland has banned it, there is every chance that Hong Kong will follow suit. So, in case the show is banned here too, we are planning to organise our own nominations and winners in our group chat,” she said.

“That is clever,” I said. “Have you picked the nominees yet?”

“Each member can come up with suggestions for each category. And it will be different from the Oscars, we have made our own categories,” she said.

“How does that work?” I asked. “What are your categories?”

“We can pick people from any field for nomination. Like we have a Best Actor award for which you can nominate anyone whose acting was worth an Oscar. Anyone,” she said.

I was a bit confused: “Need not be a performance in a movie?”

“No,” she said giggling. “Doesn’t some of the best acting happen outside the movies now? One of my friends picked Cristiano Ronaldo. He says no one can beat his play-acting when rolling around, trying to get a penalty.”

“This is interesting,” I said as the gates opened and we moved towards the ferry.

“I thought I had picked a winner when I nominated the guy who rolled around on the ground, clutching his knee at the Hong Kong University management meeting during the protests. But Ronaldo, I guess, will be more popular,” she sounded rueful.

“What are the other categories?” I asked as we took our seats and waited for the ferry to move.

“Only the best actor is like at the Oscars. Other categories we combined with pandemic terms to make it more current. Like ‘Best Social Distancing Artist’. My nominee is lawmaker Eunice Yung. She has been in the forefront of keeping works by some artists at arm’s length,” she said as the ferry began to move.

“At least she is a local. Not like the football player,” I pointed out. She rolled her eyes: “Yeah! That has been her only brush with the art scene, as far as I know.”

“Then we have Best Asymptomatic Basement award. I am at a loss for my pick as I have two strong candidates,” she continued.

I interrupted her: “You mean, best bass, like a music award?”

“No la, Basement. I have to choose between Henry Tang and Teresa Cheng. I can’t make up my mind as to who played the best supporting role in this section,” she went on.

Her explanation helped me get to the bottom of this mystery. These people sure have come up with some concrete ideas, I thought.

“Then we have a Super Spreader award. I am going to nominate those who run signature campaigns in Hong Kong. I always see them waiting for people to turn up and sign, but rarely have I ever seen anyone actually doing it. Last week there was a campaign that got 2.4 million signatures in no time. That was impressive even though only a few people went anywhere near them,” she said.

I had no idea who she was talking about and was glad when the ferry pulled up on the Kowloon side and we got up to disembark.

“When are you going to pick the winners? When is the voting?” I asked, as we waited for the ferry doors to open.

“Oh, we are adopting the new trend in Hong Kong. We don’t vote. Those who get the nomination will be declared winner,” she said.

“You see the Oscar ceremonies are always too long. They should copy us and just nominate winners instead of all that drama and speeches. That is more efficient and less time-consuming,” she said as we got off.

“I have to hurry as I have to finish the Netflix serial I was watching last night,” she said as soon as we disembarked and dashed off, waving goodbye.

Watching her disappear into the crowd, I was wondering why she had to still rely on Netflix for dramas as there was plenty going on around us every day!

(A fictional satire written by Hari Kumar, who is a journalist based in Hong Kong.)

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